Is it worth saving a family for the sake of a child?

Of course, listening to the sounds of Mendelssohn's march, any person dreams of creating a strong, friendly family - once and for life. But, unfortunately, not everyone succeeds in meeting their love and living with it until the end of their days. Time passes and marriages, even the “strongest” ones, fall apart. People file for divorce and start life from scratch. It would seem that everything is very simple, but... The situation with divorce becomes much more complicated in those families where children are growing up. Parents don’t care, one way or another, they have to think about them. 

Save the family for the sake of the child: all the pros and cons

An indispensable condition for the harmonious development of the baby and his feelings of complete happiness is a family with a loving mother and father. So what to do? Should you live with an unloved person for the sake of your children, or should you still break up, regardless of the children’s experiences? This question, in fact, is most often asked by women - and not because they love their children more or worry about them more than men - according to statistics, in 90% of cases during a divorce, children remain with their mother. Therefore, it is the mother who has to think about how to live further not only for herself, but also for her children.

Every woman thinks for a long time about whether to get a divorce - the reason for these thoughts can be: the presence of common property with her husband and material benefits that she would not like to either “share” or “lose.” Often a woman simply has nowhere to go after a divorce - so she tries to “put up with” the situation. Another reason why a woman puts off making a decision on divorce for a long time is the fear of loneliness - this stereotype, created by more than one generation of our mothers and grandmothers (“a divorcee” with a child - no one needs a tail), forces a woman to still endure a hateful husband. Another belief - a child is better off in a “complete” family - no matter what, but he has a father - also influences a woman’s decision. But it also happens that there comes a time in a woman’s life when all of the above beliefs and excuses simply stop “working” - that’s when the desire to become independent “outweighs”, and confidence appears in the correctness of the decision to divorce. If love has “died”, there is no point in torturing yourself further, and it will be better for the child to live in peace than to witness constant quarrels and scandals from the mother and father - this is what every mother thinks and boldly goes to file for divorce.

Probably, to the question about saving a family for the sake of children, only one, unequivocal answer can be given: it’s not worth it. After all, the atmosphere in the family, especially negative, constant scandals and quarrels, which cannot be avoided by spouses who cannot find a common language, also affects the child - such relationships become painful for everyone. It often turns out that the child, even unconsciously, takes the blame for the discord between the parents upon himself - after all, the parents, one way or another, provoke the child to do this - they live with each other for his sake and suffer, but they could get a divorce and arrange their personal life. It would only be better for everyone... And, although it is often not said out loud, the child feels these non-verbal messages subconsciously. The result is three crippled destinies, and all because of the stereotype - for the sake of the happiness of their children, parents are obliged to make any sacrifices!

Of course, there is an option when saving the family for the sake of the child is really necessary. After all, in the life of every married couple there comes a moment of “cooling” of feelings. Then the relationship between husband and wife becomes somewhat different: they continue to live together, but no longer experience the same emotions. During such periods, both husband and wife may even try to seek happiness on the side. And it is in such a situation that the thought that there is a child, that the actions of adults can traumatize him, often stops parents, forcing them to look differently at themselves and at the family...

When saving your family is no longer worthwhile

Sometimes there comes a moment when a once-loved person becomes the cause of not only irritation, but also anger. The reason for this attitude may be some actions on the part of the spouse - the person drinks: he simply does not quit the binge, with absolutely no intention of changing or saving anything. After all, it has long been known that building any kind of relationship with an alcoholic or striving to improve them is a dead end. Or another, truly unacceptable behavior - when a husband beats either his wife or children. In such a family there is no longer any talk of good relationships, mutual understanding and love - clearly, there is nothing to preserve there, unless the woman comes to terms with the role of “victim” - I will endure everything for the sake of the children. But even this position will be wrong, because it is the victims who are hit the hardest.

I would also like to say about the role of betrayal in relations between spouses - in some cases, the “other” half even agrees to come to terms with such a situation, and the point here is not at all about the child. After all, it has long been known: if a person who was initially family-oriented suddenly begins to cheat, then this is a clear sign that something in the family itself has ceased to “suit” him. Therefore, in some cases, especially when at least one of the spouses has feelings, they try to somehow “resolve” the situation with betrayal, trying to improve relationships in the family.

Preserving the family for the sake of the child: the opinion of a psychologist

In the late 80s, the well-known child psychotherapist Helmut Figdor spent several years studying the lives of about a hundred families before and after divorce. Based on the results of these studies, the author’s book “Children of Divorced Parents: Between Trauma and Hope” was even published - a fairly clear and rather harsh “truth of life” - there is not a single child who does not suffer from their parents’ divorce, NOT ONE. Parents who claim that everything is in order and that their child suffered the separation of his parents absolutely calmly simply do not know how, or simply do not want to notice the consequences and appreciate the full depth of the tragedy of a child who suddenly loses one of his beloved parents.